I know I haven't written in a while, but I need to now just to vent...

Our court hearings aren't going the way we had hoped. We are just getting screwed over in ways we didn't think possible.

I started my new job yesterday, and I think I may have made a mistake. Yes, we need the extra money just to make it. It really won't be "extra" money, just money that we didn't have before to pay our bills. That's a help, but are the repercussions of having a job worth it?? I had to miss the court date yesterday due to working. That killed me, I wanted to be there. I got home late and when I got home, Curtis and I went straight to bed because we were both exhausted.

This morning (Saturday) Curtis had to get up early to go to work. If we hadn't had gone through with this court crap, he wouldn't of had to take off two days of work this week. Therefore, he could have stayed home today. I cried when he went to work. I tried not to let him know. It's hard on both of us. Yes, I get to spend the days with Brooklyn and now my nights working. I don't want to complain because I know there are a lot of people who don't have jobs right now. But, when will I see my husband? Is this whole court thing worth it? We both now are second guessing everything. If we hadn't started these court proceedings, then we would have not spent all that money, we wouldn't have to pay child support (yet), and I would get to see my husband today for more than an hour. I hate to say that I wish we hadn't gone to court in the first place, but I think that's what I'm getting at in my head. Everything is just too much. I will be gone to work before Curtis even gets home from work, and I am lucky if I get home by 11:00 tonight.

This court thing has screwed up everything. Why do they want more money?? What else to they want from us besides money? To take our hearts out and stomp on them too? Isn't Curtis wanting to be a good dad, good enough? Obviously it's not. I am not willing to let this and them ruin my marriage or our life. We just want to get ahead. We want to see his son, but after all this.... We have to put ourselves, our family, our marriage, our daughter's life first. I'm not letting *Her* screw this up more than she already has. (But, there's not much I can do at this point.) I wish we could just stop these court proceedings and just let it go. Nothing good will come out of this in the end.

 

It's going to be a hard week. Working 10 days in a row isn't going to be easy after having a full day with Brooklyn. But, we'll make it. We have to.

I don't want Curtis thinking that this would be easier for me if we weren't together. I need him and we need our family. I just wish that things could have been a little easier. There is nothing we can do to change the past. We just have to deal with it.

But, I'm not saying that it isn't going to suck...

Thank you to all of you who were directed via my wonderful sister in law's page or on their own who gave me their thoughts and prayers. That really meant a lot to me, more than words can express! It was a hard day, but I am very blessed to have a sister in law who cares about me to have done everything she has. I am very lucky and extremely thankful!
Thank you all again for your kind words! I appreciate all of you so much!

It's quite frustrating that I can't save the world. (Not like I could, if I tried.) But, I feel like I have an obligation to. My aunt is having a hard time right now and I feel it is my duty to not upset her in any way. But, my mother takes in upon herself to tell her things that could hurt her feeling even though I know my aunt would never admit it. Ever since I lost my dad I have a like of regrets and what if's. Like, what if I would have called him when he wrote me that text message right before??? I know it's not my fault, and I'm not playing the victim, but it's hard not to think about the what if's. So, now I feel like I have to save everyone while they are still alive. I feel like it's my job to be there if someone is depressed, sad, or anything else. I know I can't save everyone, I have enough on my plate to just take care of Brooklyn. I have to just let people make there own decisions. It's just that I'm trying to not have any regrets. Trying to help people before they do something stupid, even though most of the time they don't listen. I need to realize that it's only been a year since my dad passed away and I can't expect to be numb to certain feelings. I can't save the world because I feel like I failed with him. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form but I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want people to look back and have regrets like I do.
I don't agree with choices that people have made i.e.- my mom and brother just for starters. But, I am going to have to let that go and let them make their own choices and mistakes. I try to focus on everyone else and not enough on our own family. The time of year does have a lot to do with it. There's just so much going on that I haven't had time for it to sink in until now. It sucks but I have to learn to deal with these feelings now because I have many, many more years of dealing with this time of year. So, in conclusion, I have a lot to work on and I need to focus on myself and my feelings before I worry about everyone else. I'm trying, it's not easy but I can't forget it's only been a year. I can't push my feelings and regrets aside to help everyone else.